


Spirit Broken

by Magical_Killer



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-26 06:10:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20737493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magical_Killer/pseuds/Magical_Killer
Summary: This is a side story I worked on because I wanted to do. Its actually inspired from other fics like this such as:Broken by StarWarsRocksMySocks over of fanfiction.comAs well as some other fics I don't remember the name of, so if you read this and say, "Hey that sounds familiar" well its because it probably is.





	Spirit Broken

**Author's Note:**

> This is a side story I worked on because I wanted to do. Its actually inspired from other fics like this such as:
> 
> Broken by StarWarsRocksMySocks over of fanfiction.com
> 
> As well as some other fics I don't remember the name of, so if you read this and say, "Hey that sounds familiar" well its because it probably is.

Ahsoka stood at the base of the Jedi Temple with her master, Anakin Skywalker, awaiting her meeting with the Council. It had been a meeting Ahsoka was dreading, for the Council was deciding her punishment. Ahsoka had disobeyed orders thinking she had an opportunity for a breakthrough in the enemy lines, so she sent her battalion off course of what was planned, only for it to be a trap. The Separatists purposely broke their lines in order to draw them in and she left her sector open for attack. They went behind us and trapped her battalion, cutting her off from their lines and encircled her forces, while the forces they were supposed to be covering got blindsided. This battle was known throughout the Senate and the Council to be an important strategic location, and Ahsoka blew it. Her entire battalion had gotten killed and she would have been too if Anakin and Barris hadn't come to save her, sending a rescue mission on her position just in time for them to retreat from the planet, but not without him losing men. Men that had no right to give their lives for her. I had made the mistake, and I should have been the one to lie in it. Not the thousands of clones under my command, not the hundred under Anakin's. Not Barris...Barris… oh why Barris. Why did you save me? Under the chaos Ahsoka thought they were winning, and so she tried to encourage a push, her master yelled for her to get back to the ship and Ahsoka had refused, believing they could still do this. Barris had run out to get her but they were pinned down by incoming fire and then hit by a tank shell that Barris put herself in front of to protect her. Oh, Barris. Why didn't you let me get what I deserve? Instead it is you in pain and with the healers, almost dead. When it should have been me! Me alone. 

Alone. 

Which is what Ahsoka felt even as her Master stood in front of her. Even as she was surrounded by countless other Jedi, she felt so alone. Why did I have to fail them? Why did I have to fail them all? Ahsoka wondered what came over her. Why couldn't I have just listened? Ahsoka slowly rubbed her hand against her arm, a sort of a nervous tick. Ahsoka knew what was coming, Anakin couldn't, no, didn't want to defend her this time. She had never seen him this angry before, especially at her. The first thing he said when they were on our evac transport devastated her. She tried to explain what happened before he cut her off "Don't say another word to me." He had said coldly but sternly. The tone had scared her and Ahsoka chose to keep her mouth closed and looked at the floor in shame and fear. "I thought you were better than this." That had hurt. Everything she’d ever done and ever tried to do was to make him proud. To show everyone that she is good enough to be a Jedi. It was all washed away by such a stupid, careless mistake that Ahsoka wasn't sure if she was good enough anymore. 

Ahsoka gripped her arm tighter as she rubbed, trying to pry herself away from these horrible thoughts. She looked up at her Master who had refused to say a word to her the entire trip back, and she was honestly too frightened to say a word to him. She never wanted to hear that tone again. Anakin had started to walk forward and she followed. The Council must have called for them when she was lost in thought. Anakin walked quickly and determined as if he couldn't wait for the Council's punishment. Ahsoka tried to keep up with him but she also wanted to delay this as long as possible, she would have been mad that Anakin couldn't wait to see her be 'put to the sword' but a part of herself felt she deserved this. Tears were welling up and stinging her eyes but she would not cry in front of the Council. It took so much effort to just keep her eyes dry. 

Ahsoka POV

The doors to the Council room opened and we walked in, Anakin led me to the center and then stepped aside so that I was left physically alone to face the Council. I couldn't look any of them in the eyes but I felt the looks gazing upon me. I held her head down, begging to be hidden but they could all see me grip my hands harshly in nervousness, I was using all my strength to keep from gripping my arm. No doubt they see the water on the surface of my eyes as well, despite how much effort I was using to keep the tears away. 

Master Windu was the first to speak, "You will maintain eye contact as we speak to you, Ahsoka Tano." 

I hadn't expected to be referred to my full name, but it hurt. It hurt so much more than I thought it should. All her life the Masters called her by her rank. Padawan. But not today, today I wasn't a Padawan of the Jedi Order. I was just Ahsoka Tano. I physically trembled and I knew immediately that everyone saw her shake. I mentally cursed myself before I raised my head to see Mace Windu's eyes pierce through her like daggers. I tried so hard to hold my eyes where they were but I couldn't keep looking at the face of , what I can only describe as, contempt. I was fiercely holding back her tears and trying so hard not to shake. her eyes averted to the other Council members and found so many faces I never thought I'd hate to see before. 

Master Yoda held a look that was a mix of worry and sadness, like he couldn't believe what I did. Master Plo Koon held a stern look on his face and I could see the disappointment through his mask. Same can be said for Shaak Ti who grimaced her face into what I thought might have been anger and upon realizing why, dread had consumed me as I thought that maybe she was embarrassed of me, sharing Togruta blood. Obi-wan was the only one who shared a look of pity and sadness and was the only one who wouldn't look at me as his eyes remained closed and his head bowed. my eyes could only glue themselves to the Jedi in the room, fearing the consequences if I looked elsewhere, and the outside felt dark and gloomy from the windows but I couldn't truly tell what it looked like nor did I care to remember what it was when I came in. No, my gaze fell upon the Jedi in the room who all held different levels of contempt that I thought could not get any worse, until I laid her eyes on her Master who stood there with clenched fists and angry eyes piercing her. I froze at his gaze and felt almost stuck with fear and I'm  
not sure how long I had stayed there, my heart breaking as the people I loved glared at me with scorn. 

"Ahsoka Tano" the voice of Mace Windu announced loudly. Ahsoka snapped her gaze back to Master Windu who looked ready to explode with annoyance. I stood as straight as I could with my hands clasped together tightly, rounding up all my strength to keep my composure. 

“Yes, Master” I said weakly, embarrassingly weakly, but there was no other way I ould say it at the moment. 

“Know, why you are here, do you”? Master Yoda began as I snapped my gaze to him. 

“Yes, Masters.”

“Do you have anything to say for yourself?” Mace Windu asked and I froze, eyes widening. I hadn’t expected to be asked and her words caught in her throat. I just stared at Master Windu trying to say something, anything, but nothing came out. I was so frustrated at becoming mute that I was losing grasp on my emotions and I was only capable of two words in the moment that I weakly squeezed out.

“I'm sorry.” I said with barely more sound than a hushed whisper, but it was all I could muster.

“You’re sorry?” Master Windu didn’t look impressed. He looked to his other Council members, each of them nodding, Obi-wan took a second look at me and then sighed, before nodding with everyone else. I had never been more scared or horrified at what I didn’t even know was coming but I knew that the worst has already been decided. All the Masters stood up and Anakin walked up behind me. I had tensed at his presence. 

“Ahsoka Tano, under the suggestion of Anakin Skywalker, and based on your poor performance in the field, this Council does not deem you prepared for the Padawan rank.” I widened my eyes in terror, I couldn’t believe even Anakin had lost his faith in me and these stupid tears were fighting me again. Anakin reached for my Padawan braid and ripped it off my lekku. I closed my eyes as losing that braid made the tears sting harsher. I will not cry, I will stay strong through this. I am not weak. Breathe in, breathe out. “Due to the failure of your trials, this Council will be required to reassign you.” That was it, no more talking, no more waiting, I was no longer a Padawan and I felt my life shatter to pieces. I held my head down in shame once more, just wanting to drown away. “You will stay inside the Temple, unless under the supervision of a Council member to leave, until the Council decides your reassignment.” With that I turned around and left without a word, I had thought Anakin might say something to her, but I realized that I wasn’t his problem anymore and I was no longer his Snips, or a Padawan. I was just Ahsoka Tano, a youngling, again, left to wallow in her failure. So why would he say anything? I walked out of the Council chambers and as I heard the door shut, I let the tears fall their first drops. 

Ahsoka wanted to hold them in, just a little longer. She needed to get to her quarters, she couldn’t breakdown yet, not here. Her walking turned into a jog and then into a run until it was a full on sprint to her room as the tears were escaping her eyes. Ahsoka got several weird looks as she ran as fast as she could possibly go, but she didn’t know if it was from her running or from her being her, the girl who failed the Council. The girl that got Barris in critical condition, the girl who is no longer a Padawan. She was in the resident section of the Temple and only a few feet from her room, but the tears were pouring now and they were not stopping. Ahsoka was full on bawling, letting all that repressed emotions finally let loose as she opened her door and closed it behind her with a slam and locked it. Ahsoka was openly crying now as she collapsed on the floor from exhaustion, holding her hands to her face. Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn’t I have just listened? Why did everyone have to risk so much to save me? I should have died! I wish I had died! Why couldn’t you just let me die? So many thoughts ran through her head until she felt a welling up in her stomach. She closed her mouth with her hand and ran to the refresher as fast as she could and lifted the toilet and vomited everything back up. Not just the lunch she had, but the pain and the guilt and sadness were all meshed into this violent vomit that wouldn’t let up as every heave gave her much more pain than the last. She just wanted it to end as she was openly crying and vomiting into the refresher and wishing she had just died on that planet. Wishing she had protected her men. They didn’t deserve this, they trusted me and I betrayed them. The vomiting had finally come to an end and all that was heard was the messy sobbing of a girl who lost everything. Her trust, her reputation, her rank and her family. A mess laying on the floor, crying herself to sleep. Ahsoka felt so alone. She hated being alone, but maybe it was for the best. The pain had finally stole her to sleep.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning Ahsoka woke up to the smell of filth and rotten regurgitation, she had fallen asleep right after her vomit fit. She wiped her mouth and flushed the refresher as she stood up from the hard ground. her entire body ached from laying on the floor and she decided to take a long retreat to the shower. She stripped her current clothing and threw them in a cleaning bin before walking in and washing off all the vomit, tears and, hopefully, the shame. After an hour of cleaning she looked at herself in the mirror and could only frown as she turned away from the scorning eyes even her reflection gave her. Well, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad, I guess. She chuckled to herself. I can do this, I just need to be positive and show them I am ready for Padawanship. Soon this will all be a distant memory and a cruel joke to talk about with Skyguy. Sky ...guy. I frowned, he was so angry with her yesterday and he isn’t one to let go of a grudge. He wouldn’t forgive her in one day but she just need to give him time. If she studied hard and maybe show him how much she wanted to be back at his side he’ll want to take her back, he’ll want the good times back. She smiled cheerfully as she went to go get dressed. Thinking of what to wear, she decided she didn’t need her usual battle garb and went for some robes that she’d not touched in a long while, not since before becoming a Padawan. Ahsoka stopped as the thought brought back memories that once filled her with joy, only to crumble into a distant and pained reminder. Stop. Don’t. Ahsoka put on a determined face and put them on.

Ahsoka headed out in her robes and put her hood up, she wasn’t ready to bring any attention to herself. She walked through the halls of the Jedi Temple in the early hours of the evening. She figured She could get breakfast before it gets too crowded and she was very hungry, especially after her fit last night. The Temple was actually quite lively around this time, the younglings began their classes and many of the Jedi Knights were starting assignments given to them from the Council. She started to wonder if Anakin was still in the Temple or if he was off assignment ... without me.

Ahsoka pushed the thought away. This is gonna be hard. She thought in a defeated tone. 

The doors of the mess hall opened with a slick sliding motion and Ahsoka had realized then and there that she’d hadn’t been back here in so long. Her and Anakin would usually eat what the army made or went out to eat. Since she wasn’t allowed outside of the Temple she would have to make due. She walked up to the would-be line that was thankfully empty at this time and grabbed a trey, she grabbed her food and noticed the workers making the food glancing awkwardly at her and then looking away. Figures, she thought to herself and then walked over to an open table. The food here was better than what she ate in the army but it still felt like she was missing a part of herself, like this isn’t what this supposed to taste like. She was slow in eating it, she was hungry, but it felt off. 

“Isn't that the Padawan girl who got demoted.” 

Ahsoka’s eyes widened, she tried not to move as she heard the voices of the other patrons whisper to each other. Apparently they weren’t too concerned with being too cautious about how loud they were being.

“Ya, the Togruta. Anakin’s Padawan, err, ex-Padawan.” 

“How’d she mess up with Anakin as a Master? He’s legendary but isn't a stickler for the rules like other Masters.” 

“Ya, I'd be surprised if anyone will take her after what she did.” 

They were just openly talking, seeming to ignore the existence of Ahsoka all together. 

“What she do that was so bad?” 

“She got Padawan Barris put into critical condition and got thousands of clones killed, practically ruined the entire operation. It was supposed to be a key victory point too.” 

She couldn’t hear anymore. She had lost her appetite and slammed her utensils onto the table, sounding off a loud bang. The small population of people in the mess hall turned to look at her as she practically ran out of the room. Her breathing became ragged and she was taking 10 breathes a second. She stopped running as she made it far enough away where she felt safe from the prying eyes of the mess hall and leaned one hand against the wall in order to correct her breathing. She tried taking deep breaths every few seconds but found she was suffocating and the room started to spin. Slowly lowering herself into a sitting position to rest herself against the wall, she continued to breathe at an abnormal rate and didn’t know what to do. She lifted her knees to her chest and bowed her head down as she raised her hands on her head and began to unconsciously rock back and forth, desperate to find rhythm and calmness. Tears began to well up again as she pictured her men...her clones, begging her for answers. Begging her for help. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” As she started to mutter this over and over, she dug her fingers into her skull as she tried to rip the thoughts away. She couldn’t breathe and her vision was blurry with tears. She felt that welling in her stomach again and just wished the pain would stop but it had no end in sight. She felt hands grip her shoulders and shake her lightly. The external contact was enough to shake her from her reverie and she suddenly found her breathe. 

“Ahsoka, what are you doing on the floor?” It was Anakin’s voice. But he hadn’t used her nickname, a fact that she noted

She hadn’t looked up, so he didn’t see the tears she cried. The hood provided apt cover from her face and stood up quickly to answer, “Nothing Master, just resting.” 

“That’s Master Skywalker, you’re not my Padawan anymore.” 

Hearing him say that made her heart sink, he was still angry with her and being reminded of her situation didn’t help her underlying pain. Trying to hide her tears, she answered calmly, “Of course, Master Skywalker. I apologize.” 

“Also, you can’t just rest in the hallway, that’s what our quarters are for.” 

Ahsoka held back a sob, he was being so professional with me. Gone was our friendly banter and its been replaced with something that two strangers would address each other with. She couldn’t hold it in much longer and just wanted to leave, “I’m sorry Master Skywalker, I’ll head back to my quarters immediately.” 

“You do that. Come on Padawan, we have a mission.” 

The dim light in Ahsoka’s eyes flickered out as she heard Anakin speak to another. She lifted her head to reveal a young Padawan learner following at his side. In that one moment, she felt like a ghost. Like a thousand years had passed and the darkness had overshadowed her vision around her. The two silhouettes in front of her were just that. Faceless figures that felt so far away, and she felt so alone. 

“Yes, Master” The padawan had said. Something in Ahsoka had snapped as the strangled sob came bursting. Both Anakin and his new Padawan turned to the sound that Ahsoka had made, both laced with confusion. 

“You...you replaced me?” Ahsoka said softly, just trying to stop from breaking down. “After everything, you replaced me? In less than a day!” Ahsoka had practically yelled. 

Anakin gave an angry expression at her as his Padawan had backed away and still confused. “Ahsoka, you are speaking out of turn.” Anakin had warned. 

“Don’t call me that! You don’t call me that!” Ahsoka yelled almost hysterically

“Fine, Youngling Tano. I suggest you stop this right now!” Anakin had coldy and sternly told her. 

How could he be so cruel? Why would he do this to me? Ahsoka peered out from her hood, enough for Anakin to see the fresh tears on her cheeks. “Did I mean so little to you!? Was I so replaceable that you didn't even have to think about it. You just moved on?!” Ahsoka was losing breath again and the room was spinning once more but she stood strong and continued her assault. “Why? What did I do to deserve this?” 

“You didn’t follow my orders, now im warning you only once more to keep your mouth closed and to get to your quarters.” Anakin never changed his angry expression.

“I didn’t follow orders? Like you’re one to talk! You go off against orders all the time and you don’t deserve this scrutiny? You’re a hypocri….” Anakin did something she’d never thought he would do to her.

He slapped her, forcefully, across the face. 

The pain was seering and it burned her skin. She fell to her knees at the sudden force and held her hand to the side of her face while staring, wide eyed, into nothingness. The pain in her face was nothing compared to the pain of her old Master, her old friend…… Everything in here life felt gone, a distant memory, or a memory that had never occurred. A dream, a nightmare. She wanted nothing more than to curl up and pray for this nightmare to end.

“I warned you Youngling Tano.” He was still being professional, not a hint of regret or empathy in his voice. Ahsoka just lay kneeling there in front of him, taking in the reality of what had transpired. Was this it? Would I never see skyguy again? She took a moment to bow her head, holding everything in. She was so tired of crying lately. It took all her restraint but she spoke in a whisper. 

“I’m sorry Master Skywalker. I should head back to my quarters.” Ahsoka stood up and began to walk away. But not before Anakin had tried to get her attention.

“Youngling Tano.” 

Ahsoka stopped but didn’t let him answer

“Please, just Ahsoka. I don’t care anymore.” And Ahsoka had walked further down the corridor without another word. 

Ahsoka walked calmly toward her destination, which wasn’t her private quarters but the Jedi Healers. She took in her confrontation with Anakin, he had never seen me as a friend. Anakin was like a big brother to her and seeing him push her aside was like a knife to the heart. She couldn’t take it much longer and she needed to talk to someone and the only person who would even pretend to listen was Barris, who was unconscious. I need to apologize for everything. 

She opened the door to the medbay and saw Barris laying, almost lifeless, in a corner bed as she softly breathed and exhaled in her sleep. Ahsoka walked over to her motionless body and sat down on a nearby chair. She didn’t know how to do this, talking to someone about her feelings so openly. “Hey Barris! Sleeping in again?” Ahsoka tried with a cheerful tone. “You know a lot has happened since...you know. I, uh, got stripped of Padawan rank. So hey! You’re already doing better than me.” Nothing but silence greeted her cheery voice. “Ya, I, uh, messed up bad didn’t I? You sticking your neck out to help clean up my mistakes? What are you crazy?” Ahsoka tried to keep her cheery voice but the emotions started catching up with her and she couldn’t hold in the tears. “Anakin found a new Padawan, I know. It was really quick, but he didn’t even seem to care about me anymore. I guess I really was just a burden to him.” Her tears began to drip as she started to reveal more than she planned. “I don’t know what to do Barris, my dream is crumbling and my family hates me. Every time I get reminded of the mission or of you. I just see their faces. All of their hopeful faces. Looking to me for guidance, trusting my lead.” Ahsoka was crying now. “Why? Why did you come to save me? I should have died! You should have left me to die! It was my mistake, my stupid judgement that killed those men and you shouldn’t have been involved! You shouldn’t be here! I should! Why Barris? Why didn’t you just let me have what I deserve!?” No answers returned and Ahsoka was left crying into the lap of someone who would not hear her. However, listening on by the door, Obi-wan would hear her and he would listen to her pain.

____________________________________________________________________________

2 days of passed since Ahsoka had visited Barris and each day felt harder to wake up to. Ahsoka had refused to leave her quarters after the first day and she didn’t want to see anyone, but that was fine because she doubted anyone wanted to see her. She felt physically sick with emotion and was feeling malnourished from not eating anything. She was so tired of sleeping but leaving her room just wasn’t an option. She tried to meditate to help pass the days by but everytime she did, she would only see visions of the battle and go into another panic attack so the only thing to do was to sleep or lay in bed. What does it matter anymore? She recounted everything that has happened in the past week, everyone had counted on her and she let everyone down. It’s all my fault. Rex, all his men. They probably despise me, just like Anakin. Just like the Jedi. We were a family and I betrayed them. The thoughts were piercing her heart harsher and harsher. With every memory, she was constantly reminded of her failure and how she deserved her fate. To wallow in pain at her stupidity, I hate this, my skin. My being. My...life. The thought had scared her and she broke from her reverie, It’s ok, im ok, I just need a distraction. She looked around her room for anything that might serve as entertainment, unfortunately, Jedi aren’t given much possessions to keep themselves occupied. She walked in to check the refresher and searched through her cabinet. Flass, I can probably keep myself entertained for a little while. She kept checking for more stuff to just get her to when class starts in 3 days and landed on her razor, suddenly she had an idea. She grabbed the razor and started to dismantle it until she came up with the razor blade that was inside. She had heard stories of self-harm being a coping mechanism for troubled people. Was I troubled? She certainly felt like she was but really didn’t think she would reach this point. She took the razor by her hand placed it on her skin but felt herself freeze. She couldn't move it as fear began to engulf her but as soon as that fear arrived, a new wave of guilt washed over her. All those dead men. The first cut was delivered. Barris… a second cut. Anakin. A third cut. One by one, a new thought of regret and pain was followed by a new cut. Some deeper than others, the blood began to flow; dirtying her arm with a crimson shade. Soon she found herself feeling nothing physically but still continuing as a wave of satisfaction washed over her as the cuts kept coming. Once the thoughts eventually started to calm and disperse, so did her need to cut and she placed the razor down into a drawer for her to use later. The experience had been intoxicating and something she needed to feel a sense of relief she had not felt in days. She had been so lonely lately. No one to talk to and no one to voice her thoughts but the razor had been an adequate substitute for her need to express, even if that expression had to be carved out. Her arm still bled but not at an alarming rate, there were so many cuts already that she just had to wait it out. Going into the refresher she thoroughly washed her arm clean, save for the eventual scars that will remain. She looked up to see herself in the mirror. She looked so tired and drained, her eyes having lost their color at some point and she looked so skinny. She's lost her appetite days ago with no sight of it returning. 

She got lost in her reflection long enough to lose track of time and only be stirred by a knock on her door. "Ahsoka?" She recognized the voice of Obi-wan, what does he want? Ahsoka had expected the worst. What if the Council is sending her away already? The thought terrified her as she put on her cloaked robe and begrudgingly she answered the door but only opening it slightly to peer her head out which still downed a hood. Obi-wan stood there in front of her door but she had refused to look up to see the look of concern on his face. "Ahsoka, no one has seen you in days. Where have you been?" 

Ahsoka didn't want to satisfy that with an answer. She didn't want to be lectured and scolded by Obi-wan. She didn't want his judgement. Why won't you just leave me alone? Ahsoka angrily thought. "Here, M-master." She hated that she stuttered but it felt wrong to call him 'Master' since she wasn't a Padawan anymore even if it was the proper etiquette either way. 

"Ahsoka, I'm very worried about you. Have you been in your room the whole time? Have you eaten?"

What do you care? I won't be your problem anymore by next week. Ahsoka wanted to shout at him. She wanted to blame him for everything, he was on that Council that ripped away everything. She wanted to hate him. "Why bother, Master? The Council will assign me to a new master or worse anyway. I'm not your problem." 

Obi-wan flinched at this. Not my problem? "I'm your friend and I want to make sure you are ok. Do you need anything? Have you talked to Anakin lately?"

Ahsoka wanted to scream at the mention of Anakin. Just leave me alone! "No and even if I wanted to, it's not like it matters. What do you want from me? Because unless its to tell me what my reassignment is I'd like to be left alone."

Obi-wan was taken aback by her harsh words and hadn't expected to be spoken to so informally. "Ahsoka what has gotten into you? I'm still your Master as well as your friend. This sudden rudeness isn’t like you.”

Ahsoka steamed and rubbed her cheek at being reminded of her last disciplinary punishment, it was still sore from days ago. Ahsoka's were becoming teary at the memory and tried to speak without cracking which was deemed impossible at the moment. "Are gonna hit me too? Are you gonna show how worthless I truly am? Well save it! I know im worthless, you've all made that loud and clear!" Ahsoka shouted through sobs as she slammed the door shut in Obi-wan's face and locked it shut. Her emotions racked her body as she slid down the door and tucked her knees to her chest and sobbed. She could hardly breathe as her panic attack was acting up again and before she knew it she was reaching for her razor in her drawer and carefully bringing it to her other clean arm. Worthless. Cut. Weak. Cut. Disgrace. Cut. Murderer. Cut. Cut after cut the pain grew, both physically and emotionally and both battling for control of Ahsoka Tano. Cut after cut the emotions seemed to carry on and she was losing space quickly. The blood flowing again and turning her orange skin into a shade of deep crimson. The tears continued to flow as more imprecise cuts formed and she felt as if she were wildly skinning a dead carcass. It seemed she would lose out of room until she started to calm, as the physical pain started to take over bringing it to the forefront of her mind and replacing her guilt, shame and fear. There was nothing left but the sobs of a broken spirit as her limp arms clung to her knees as she curled up on her side and rocked back and forth on the floor, wishing the pain to go away. She knew better than that, the pain would never go away. No one cares. No one knows. Alone in her own misery, alone in her own failure. Her body felt sick again and so desperately wanted to vomit, but there was nothing to vomit. So she stayed there, begging for the tears to dry and the dream to end. She knew there was only one way out of this nightmare she put herself in, she just wasn't ready for that. Anything but that. The cuts can keep that thought at bay, if only she had more room. She rocked there, a broken mess, until exhaustion got the best of her and she fell into a deep sleep. 

______________________________________

Ahsoka awake with pain in her stomach jostling her awake as a loud growl filled the room. The sudden stimulus from her stomach becoming agonizing as she realized that she needed to eat. The intensity was too great for her to care about anything else as she grabbed her cloak and robes to hide herself away while she makes a quick trip the mess hall. She had no idea what time it was to guess how busy it would be or if everyone was asleep but her full attention was just to get there as fast as possible. The doors to the mess hall slid open to reveal quite a busy turn out. It must be lunch time, great. Ahsoka thought. As she walked in, the patrons turned to see her and one by one several conversations ground to a halt. Whether she liked it or not, she was the center of attention. She walked quickly toward the food bar though the large mess and for every step the silence made her more worried. There weren't even any whispers as she got closer to the bar. She went to grab a plate and as much food as she could fit on it and started to walk toward the door. Still no one had said a word. Ahsoka wanted to breakdown and sprint as fast as she could go back to her quarters but the pain in her stomach was too much and she needed the food. Once she had gotten past the entrance and the doot started to close, she heard the once numerous conversation start to steadily pick up again. Ahsoka felt more tears sting her eyes, will these tears ever stop? Ahsoka quickly wiped her eyes with her hand and carried the food back to her room. They're all calling me a murderer and a traitor. Ahsoka thought matter-of-factly, not that she really knew. I am a murderer, I am a traitor. I deserved to die. Why couldn't I have just died? The room was spinning and her breathing become ragged, she was losing her balance and felt herself trying to lean on a wall but dropped her food on the ground in her desperate attempt to find balance. No! Ahsoka bent down on all fours to gain some semblance of balance and to dauntingly see her food scattered on the floor. I can't go back in there. I can't! Ahsoka weighed her options and finally decided to pick up her dropped food and started eating some of it to alleviate the pain she felt spike in her stomach. She suddenly realized she was being watched by more than a few pairs of eyes and the reality dawned on her how pathetic she truly looked. Eating food off of a dirty floor. She lowered her head as she tried to hide herself as she picked up the multiple food items and put it back on her plate, one by one. Tears were openly falling but she didn't care anymore, she just wanted to die. The last bit of food was collected and Ahsoka grabbed her plate and walked at a brisk pace back to her quarters. She shut the door behind her and locked it, feeling some sense of security and privacy. She ate in silence, losing her appetite long ago but needing something to satisfy the pain in her gut.  
____________________________________________________________________________

“Anakin!” The voice of Obi-wan rang throughout the entire section of the ship, as well as the loud banging of his fists on the metal door. “Anakin, I must speak to you this instant!” Obi-wan continued to bang on the door, knowing full well his former Padawan was inside. The door opened to an angry looking Anakin glaring at Obi-wan before he could give off another loud knock. 

“You’re waking up the whole ship! What are you even doing here? I thought you weren’t scheduled for this mission.” Anakin said annoyed. 

Obi-wan kept a stern look, “Have you spoken to Ahsoka recently?” 

“Why would I?”

Obi-wan looked at him sadly. “Because she’s our friend? And have you not been worried about her since the Council meeting?” 

“She’s not my Padawan anymore so she’s not my responsibility. I have to a new Padawan to keep track of, at least this one listens to me. This has been hard on me too but this is better this way. She’s been a headache ever since I met her” 

“I know you don’t mean that. Ahsoka has been a wreck and she told me you hit her! Is that true?” 

Anakin looked at him defensively, “She was talking out of turn and I disciplined her accordingly. It was no worse than what I’ve endured.” 

Obi-wan looked at him confused, “Talking out of turn? That’s not like Ahsoka, when did this happen?”

“Right after I was assigned my new Padawan I found her sitting in the middle of the hall, just rocking in place and so I told her she couldn’t just sit there in the way of everyone.” Obi-wan was starting to get concerned, Surely he’s not that dense. “Then she practically yelled at me in front of my Padawan. I told her to stop and she continued running her mouth to which I hit her. She then walked off away from me, I figured she was having a hard time letting go of her attachment.”

Obi-wan rubbed his hand across his face and let a heavy sigh, “Anakin, Ahsoka is going through a hard time because she’s coming back from a failed mission, one with all the weight on her shoulders. Mix that with the Council’s decision, she’s going through some serious self-esteem issues and everyone treating her like an outcast isn’t helping. She hasn’t left her room in days and when I went to confront her, I could tell she’d been crying.” 

“Snips, crying? That doesn’t sound like her. She’s strong though she’ll get through this.” 

“Anakin, the Council doesn’t think she is fit for Padawanship and is planning on sending her away! You know how much she’s wanted to make you proud, she’ll be devastated!”  
Anakin, hadn’t thought the Council would send her away. She has so much potential and didn’t deserve that fate. “They can’t do that!.” 

“Anakin, they don’t believe she is capable anymore, and with how she’s been acting in the last week they’re even more convinced on their decision.” 

Anakin widened his eyes, “H-how has she been acting?” 

Obi-wan sighed and continued, “I’ve been trying to tell you, she hasn’t left her room and she snaps at anyone who talks to her. I went to check on her and she looked irate and shaky. When I tried to talk to her she responded hysterically. She isn’t herself Anakin and you need to help me help her.”

Anakin looked down in shame as he realized how much of an idiot he’s been.”What can I do, from the sound of it I made things worse.” 

“She thinks of you as a brother, she’ll listen to you if you give her time but I couldn’t get through to her.” 

“But what about the Council’s decision? She can’t be sent away like this.”

“We’ll appeal for retraining and get her reinstated. She’ll be under the watchful eye of the Council but it's the only way.”

“Ok, I’m heading back down to her immediately. There’s no way I’m letting her suffer anymore.”

“I’ll take your place on your mission and take your Padawan.”

Anakin nodded and headed to the hanger bay to commandeer a ship.

____________________________________________________________________________

Ahsoka slid the blade across her leg, the pain having been numbed physically and attempting to stunt her emotions. The blade having gone rusty from use and making the cuts become less precise and more jagged as she had to apply more force to slice her resistant skin. Eventually, the blade separated the skin, releasing its concealed crimson river. The blade never got cleaned after these daily sessions and she didn’t care to think or worry about the possibility of infection, her arm scars showing signs of infection already. After losing all her space on both of her arms she had moved to her legs, the skinny appendages losing its clean visage rapidly. She lost count of the scars and never felt like she’d ever stop. Maybe today is the day. She wanted to stop, but couldn’t escape the intoxicating calmness and pleasure from each cut. Putting the blade back into the drawer after numbing herself full, she walked into the refresher to clean her leg. She opened the door and walked up to the sink and averted her gaze from the wall, despite the mirror having been smashed from the hatred of having to look at herself anymore. She washed away what blood from her leg but felt she needn’t do much else. I didn’t matter anymore. A knock at her door had scared and jolted her awake, quickly cleaning up herself and putting on her robe, she answered the door. No one was there, Ahsoka looked left and right of her door before looking at the ground to find an envelope. She picked it up and retreated inside her room. She held the envelope in her hands but dreaded to open it. She knew what it was, she was being sent away, never to train in the temple again never to see her family again. Rex, Obi-wan, Anakin, Barris. Not that they cared or wanted to. She burnt those bridges and there was no hope of repairing them. Opening the envelope, it was clear that the decision had been made, it was a notice of service to the Core and she would be sent on an unimportant planet never be what she always wanted to be. I’m sorry Anakin. I couldn’t do it. Ahsoka went to grab her razor after setting the envelope down and had the urge to cut. This is it. My whole life wasted and gone. Ahsoka began to slice but she was aiming for a lethal slice. Steadily pushing, the cut had started and her door made a loud bang. “Ahsoka! Ahsoka are you in there?” She closed her eyes as tears started to sting. She recognized the voice as Anakin. “Yes, Master Skywalker. I’m almost done packing.” 

“Ahsoka, open the door. I need to talk to you.” 

“No! No no, I ... uh, im busy. I’ll be out in a moment.” Ahsoka continued her cut and the blood peaked out of her skin.

Anakin was tired of waiting and pulled the panel apart to override the lock. The door slid open and looked at Ahsoka as she was bringing a blade to her heavily scarred and bleeding arm. His eyes opened in shock. “What are you doing!?” Anakin run and tackled the blade out her hand which caused it to fly across the room. 

“No!” She tried to punch Anakin off of her and tried to squirm away toward the blade but Anakin pulled her into a hug, begging to never let her go. 

“Snips, please stop. It’s ok, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m here now snips, its ok.” Anakin tried to calm her down and rubbed her lekku softly. 

Ahsoka had deflated as she heard her nickname and melted into the hug as she wrapped her arms around Anakin and held onto him for dear life. She sobbed loudly into his chest and tried to catch her breath. 

“Shh, shh. Its ok Ahsoka. I’m here. Everything is ok.” Anakin rubbed her back and lekku as softly as he could, trying everything he could to let her know that he wouldn’t abandon her. Not again, not like everyone else.

“I-I d-don’t want t-to be h-here.” She wailed through shaky breaths and continued to cry and sob and sniff. 

“I know, I know. I don’t want you to leave. Come back to me snips, come back to me. I’m so sorry.”

“P-please don’t l-leave. I don’t w-want to b-be alone any-anymore.” 

“I won’t. I’ll be here as long as you need.”

“I’m s-sorry. I-its all m-my f-fault. I-i didn’t w-want the-them to d-die! I should of d-died! I w-wish I h-had died”

Anakin cursed himself, she was wracked with all this guilt and self-hatred and we abandoned her, we left her to feel all this. What kind of Master does this to his Padawan? “Oh, Ahsoka. You don’t deserve this. It’s not your fault, it was never your fault.” Anakin held her tighter, “ I don’t want you to die, you mean so much to me.” 

“You...you ...you liar! You re-re-replaced me!” Ahsoka pulled away from Anakin and held her hand to her cheek, “Y-you hit me.”

Anakin put his hand on her chin and pulled her eyes up to his, she looked so tired and skinny. “I was wrong. I couldn’t handle losing you and I hid from my own shame and you paid for it. I’m so sorry.” Anakin held her as caring as he could but squeezed her tight. “I will never hurt you again.”

Ahsoka returned the affection, “Y-your shame?” 

“I failed you Ahsoka and I couldn’t handle it. You deserve so much more but I had failed you and I went and failed you again.”

"No y-you didn't! If had just listened and followed orders. If I hadn't tried to play hero! Everyone I killed!" Ahsoka buried her face into Anakin's chest before letting out another sob before pulling back to continue, "They'd still be alive. I failed you, I failed them. I'm so sorry Mas…" Ahsoka physically stopped herself from saying Master, she was still scared of being hit.

"Hey" Anakin but his hand on her cheek, causing her to flinch but then she leaned into his palm. "Where do you think you learned that from? Don't you take all of the credit. I'm supposed to set an example and my example led you to this situation and I left you to the dogs. You didn't fail anyone anymore than I did, I promise you. I have never been more proud of you than right now for enduring for so long, for being so strong through all of this. I will never do that to you as long as you'd accept me." 

Ahsoka felt the sting of her arms and legs and looked away from him in shame. "I…..I..I'm not strong." She started to cry again, "I…..I-I'm so w-w-weak and p-p-pathetic, look at me!" She pulled her arms away from him and displayed them. Anakin looked at the scars in horror. "I-I-I'm so s-scared. It's so addicting and I-I can't s-stop. It makes all the pain b-bearable, what if I can't stop!? I'm getting sent away…." Ahsoka's tears were rolling down her cheeks, "I'll never see you again. I can't do it! I can't do it anymore!" Ahsoka buried her head into her hands as she started to sob again. 

Anakin was getting tired of her being in pain, of everyone putting her in pain. She didn't deserve this and it was everyone around her that did this to his Snips. His Snips who lays a broken bloody mess on the floor. He's never letting them send her away, he'd sooner quit the Order before she be put through that. She is staying here with whether they like it or not. "That's not happening and you're not leaving me. Obi-wan and I are going to appeal the Council and you are going to be my Padawan again."

Ahsoka looked up in shock. His Padawan.. She looked at her arms. "Even after all this you'd take me back? They'll all see these and think I was crazy…...maybe I am crazy...maybe I'm not good enough to be a Jedi after all." Ahsoka widened her eyes in terror. "No, I can't fail you again! Not again, you deserve so much better. I'm nothing. So pathetic, so worthless ..."

Anakin lay a hand under her arm and lifted it up to show her arm, "These don't make you anything, these show me how much pain I put you in. How pathetic I really am as a Master. Ahsoka, you never failed me. You made me so proud to be your Master everyday. The potential in you is extraordinary and you'll be one of the greatest Jedi in existence." Anakin put his other hand on her lekku and rubbed her head gently. "You're worth the world to me, and Obi-wan, and Padme. None of us are going to stand you being sent away and we will not abandon you again." Anakin gestured to her scars again, "This will stop in time and we'll help you. No matter what we will love you with all our hearts." Anakin started to stand up and held out his hand. "Let's get you cleaned up. Obi-wan should have requested a Council meeting by now." 

Ahsoka took his hand to stand up and looked down in shame, "Even after how I treated him, Obi-wan wants to help me?" 

"He understood what you were going through Snips and he was always on your side, no matter what. He's doesn't want to send you away." 

Anakin walked to the refresher door and stopped he turned to Ahsoka. "We really need to clean you up and help with the infection. I'd offer to help but if it's too uncomfortable I'll just wait out here while you take care of it." 

Ahsoka shook her head, "I trust you, Master. A lot more than I trust myself. If it's not too much trouble…" 

"Of course." 

They both headed into the refresher and Anakin signaled for Ahsoka to get undressed. Anakin noticed the smashed mirror knew that she couldn't look at herself anymore. 

Ahsoka stripped what clothing she wore and Anakin couldn't have looked more sadly at her body. She was malnourished and so skinny, while scars layer her limbs as if she had been a slave. Well she was a slave, to that damn razor. Ahsoka saw his expression and tried to hide herself from him. "What's wrong?" 

"You are so beautiful. I'm so sorry we did this to you." Ahsoka relaxed just a little and even started to blush.

"I did this to myself, not you."

"That couldn't be further from the truth." Anakin opened the refresher door and they both stepped in. 

"You're gonna get your clothes wet."

"I don't want you to be uncomfortable and wet clothes never hurt anybody."

The water started to flow and Anakin went to work on repairing the broken body before him. Droids and speeders were so simple, if they were broken you just find a replacement part. But Ahsoka would never be able to replace the parts of her she lost, but that she won't be broken forever.

After thoroughly cleaning her scars and tears for about 30 minutes, Anakin signaled for Ahsoka to get up as she leaned back against him for comfort as he cleaned. "Can we just sit here a little longer?" Ahsoka begged and Anakin didn't have the heart to deny her and relaxed with her as well started to pet her lekku for added comfort. She hummed in pleasure and was softly breathing in relaxation before softly falling asleep. Anakin would have tried to move her but he felt she needed this, she needed to feel like a queen. No matter how much water was wasted he would not deny this until she was ready. 

______________________________________

The water started to get cold and Anakin had shut it off before it could wake Ahsoka from her slumber. She looked so peaceful and beautiful that it shocked Anakin that she had gone through all this. He cursed himself, this was probably the first time she had a good night's sleep in a week. She was just a child and we all turned our backs on her. She just wanted to make him proud but she was just unlucky that day. She thought she saw an opportunity and took it, an example Anakin lead constantly. And yet, she paid for his teachings. 

Anakin lifted Ahsoka in his arms and carried her out of the shower, his clothes were soaked but he didn't care, he just focused on drying Ahsoka off and getting her to bed. There was no way she was making it to the Council meeting, which is fine. She doesn't need to be there for when he gives them a piece of his mind. He was getting his Snips back no matter what. He wasn't leaving her again.  
______________________________________

Ahsoka stirred awake after a relaxing dream she hadn't felt in so long. Her eyes fluttered open and looked around her room. Anakin? He wasn't there. Was it just a dream? Did he ever even talk to me? Ahsoka started to cry at the thought of everything she thought happened was a cruel dream. The prospect of her life still on a downward spiral to nowhere. Maybe she fell asleep before she got to ...leave. Ahsoka stood up and looked for her razor but she couldn't find it anywhere. Not her drawer or on the floor and she went to walk to the refresher. Upon opening the door she started to tear up, the steam was recent enough that she could tell it had been used. It hadn't been a dream! "Ahsoka?" She hadn't heard the front door open and so Anakin caught her off guard.

"Anakin…."

"I'm here Ahsoka."

Tears welled in her eyes as she turned around to meet his own eyes. "Anakin" She broke down again and ran in to hug him tightly, which he returned greatly. "I…I…I thought you were a dream. I thought you still hated me or that you left me again. P-please! Don't leave me!" Ahsoka sobbed through her tears and continued to burrow her head into his chest. Anakin felt the weight of his guilt triple. He hadn't been gone for more than an hour and she was terrified that she was alone again. 

"Never again Ahsoka. I'm so sorry for doing this to you, but I'm always by your side. No matter what." Anakin rubbed her back and lekku for comfort as she sobbed into his chest. "Shhh, it's ok. Obi-wan and I talked to the Council and they changed their minds on sending you away. You are my Padawan again."

Ahsoka pulled away and looked at him wide eyed as she started speaking as fast as she could utter words, "Really? Are you sure? What...what if I mess up again? What if I'm not good enough? Oh please don't do this for pity. I can't just hold you back. I know you never wanted me in the first place…"

Anakin had a hard time taking that in, he didn't care if she messed up or if she was actually holding him back, which he knew she wasn't, but to hear her voice her fears hurt in a way he didn't know it could. "Ahsoka, calm down. One at a time. I wouldn't trade you for anyone, you are irreplaceable and a one of a kind. As for messing up again, I'm sorry to tell you Snips but you are going to mess up again. You are learning and you aren't perfect. I know I said I didn't want you but, man, would that have been a mistake. You are truly one of the best things that has ever happened to me."

"Really?....but the mission…. All those clones..I don't deserve to lead them" Tears started to overwhelm her eyes and she couldn't breathe. She was hyperventilating and the room started to spin radically. Anakin noticed this and try to calm her, he knew immediately what was happening, she was having a panic attack. Anakin set her back pressed against his chest and pointed her away from him while wrapping his arms around her stomach as he attempted to get her in a steady rhythm. Breathing softly and slowly to get her to her senses again, it took several minutes but eventually she started to feel normal. "Thank you Master. I don't know what came over me."

"You have PTSD Ahsoka." Anakin cursed himself, of course she did. No one was there to help her cope with her losses. 

"I….I….." she didn't want to believe it. She'd been so confident in her abilities, if she had PTSD then she couldn't fight on the front. "Master, what am I going to do?" She started to sniffle. "If I go anywhere near a battlefield I'll just implode and then what am I good for?" Ahsoka held her head down in shame. She wasn't good enough after all. 

"Well it looks like we have a problem to fix, together."

Ahsoka looked at him surprised, then felt relief wash over her. She'd never felt so loved and cared for, and after her last weeks, it was a wonderful change of pace. She really felt like she had people to count on again and it gave her a sort of security in knowing she'd be able to take on anything. 

"Obi-wan and I are here for you. Padme as well. No matter what you think." 

Ahsoka began to cry, but this time they were tears of joy.


End file.
